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”“It’s all an act,” I said, staring at God’s embarrassed face, “it’s all just to test my resolve.”“Let me tell you something, honey.” Jesus said, leaning in, “I used to be like you. I devoted my entire life to God. I was celibate, I hardly drank, I didn’t gamble, I let everyone walk all over me. Then one day, I get dropped on my ass in the middle of hell, and Lucy here tells me I have to pass seven tests to become God’s chosen child. So, I’m super stoked, you know? Who doesn’t want a chance to prove their worth to the almighty? So, I go through with it, passing test after test, resisting the greatest temptations hell had to offer. And you know what my reward was? Getting nailed to the fucking cross and bleeding to death for six hours. Trust me, Sugar, it ain’t worth it.”“B-but your sacrifice,” I stammered, “you absolved us of sin!”“Ha!” Jesus laughed, “I died with shit all over me, begging our holy mother here to save my ass, but she was preoccupied at the time. What were you doing. I start to slice it, when Dannie comes up beside me to slice her customer's request. My customer then asks to see the first slice. While my back is turned to the customer, I roll my eyes and mutter “Jesus fucking Christ.” I show the customer the slice. Its fine. I turn back to continue doing my job, and Dannie leans into me, saying, “Next she'll ask to see your hard salami.” I smirk, and reply, “Its only hard for you, baby.” As the day drags on, more workers come in. Jimmy, the burned out pot smoking metal-head. Jackie, the manager's lesbian assistant, and Tony, the biggest black man I've ever met, but most definitely a gentle giant. I end up running out of something, and have to go in the walk-in fridge to get another. Dannie happens to be there, looking for something. “Hey, watcha need?” I ask her. “Sopresatta. Where the fuck is it?” “Oh, that's on the top shelf.” The top shelf, of course, being eight feet high. Dannie looks for the step ladder, which as always is no where to.
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