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I wore my sackcloth and ashes hard over my previous sex deviations for a few years, at first I really hated myself for what I'd "done." The "dog" thing was the worst guilt trip I suppose. I felt a total pervert for actually "doing it" with dogs but I told myself mentally that it had all been down to his 'encouragement'. I'd done it all "for him", not me. He "made" me... I know now this was totally untrue but in my mind then I had started to believe it myself! I brainwashed myself into a sort of mental 'get out'. It all creased me mentally after the divorce, for perhaps three years in all. I felt awful and just shut it all out, I really did feel like a pervert over my past. I hated sex or even feeling remotely sexy myself. I shut sex out. Paddy married his "cabin boy" after our divorce and being a sailor like him she was much more "use" to him in the boatyard. The business got back on its feet again (in truth due to her partnership influx) and I decide to leave the South Coast and all. Even drinking, I remember my dad offering my first Budweiser when I came home to California right after boot camp. I had one sip and poured it out when he wasn't looking. I thought it was disgusting. My feelings towards alcohol would change that night when my buddy and team mate from our rodeo team offered me a swig of some spirits he brought in to the bar concealed in a silver flask. I thought, if I can get on a 2000 pound bull every weekend when we practiced, what's a little drink of booze going to do to me? I said sweet, fuck it, let me see that flask. I expected it to be nasty but I can still taste that shot of Southern Comfort going down. As soon as it hit my belly, I felt that little burn when it settles, and I started to keep asking for more because it felt like straight energy and I was feeling no pain within a couple of hours. There was a group of girls we would always see. 2 of them were sisters, one was a cousin. I have always being attracted to blondes and I was hoping.
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