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5 AMI sense the coming of dawn, and the end of another night ofsorrow and joy. I run the car over an embankment, and I jump outwith my stuff. I quickly surround the car with gasoline from thecan.The lipstick on the end of my cigarette flashes once beforeigniting the gas. I've done this plenty of times. Again andagain I have heard the thudding explosion as the gas tankignites.Fire. Doesn't the Bible say ashes to ashes, and dust to dust?Sometimes I wish that's all I was. Just a pile of beautifulbroken bones lying in a wreck.It's now, as I climb back into my room, that I am at my worst. Iundress and put my hanging clothes back in the closet. I closemy eyes (I never watch the sun rise) against the coming of dawn.It's in this few moments before sleep overtakes me that I look onmy fate.I did nothing wrong. Wanting to be female was not wrong. Iunderstand that now. But why was I made to suffer like I am? Ithad to be something. Again I ask myself the question."Where did I screw. Everyone has those awkward moments in an elevator. We were both feeling very awkward. He was more so than I was. He was staring at my low cut blouse but he quickly looked away. He had his head down. He felt a little uncomfortable. He was avoiding eye contact and I politely asked him "how are you today sir?" he said “alright and yourself? “ So I responded, “I can’t complain.” Then the elevator door opened and he politely let me exit first. Then he got of the elevator and went back towards his office. Then I looked over my shoulder as he was walking inside his office wondering if he ever thought of me. Who knows? I hear that he has been married to the same woman for over 30 years and I noticed he wears a wedding band.Another encounter that I had with him was at a retirement party for our security guard in late April. It was held in a very nice reception room and it simple yet elegant. There was plenty of cake and food to go around that was for sure. I couldn’t enjoy the.
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