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Is that what you want to start again from the beginning of?”She paused for a moment, before she looked at me and then quietly nodded her head.“Why Cal?”“Why,” she repeated, looking wistful, “he asks why.”“David,” she went on, “I feel dirty. I feel sullied and used. I want to feel clean again, whole again. I need to know that I’m not just being used as a collection of holes. I want someone who loves me for me to actually make love to me, because I’m me, and not that collection. Can you understand that?”“I think I can, Cal, and I hope you realise that I’ve never looked on you in that way.”“We wouldn’t be having this conversation if I didn’t,” she replied.“So, am I right that you think that if you and I were to make love, that would show you that you weren’t dirty, that you can be loved for yourself?”She nodded her head silently. My mind went back a few months to a very similar conversation in a Manchester hotel room. What Charlie had asked me for then was almost exactly the same as Cal. I guess Mom just moved them down here and stashed them away in the closet; I've never seen her using them."I took them out of the case, tried them out, pointing them at a tree out the window, and said, "Not bad! I wish we'd had them yesterday!"Sandy said, mischievously, "Well, you'll just have to come back again so we can try them!"I said, as I hugged her, "Actually, maybe we should try them on the canal trail outside Washington. Do you think you could come down sometime soon, maybe early November? I'd like to come back here around Thanksgiving; we could go visit my parents, and combine it with my running the acceptance test program on Reaper."She said, "Dear, I'd love to! That way I'll see you once before you come here at the end of next month. Oh, Steve, I can't wait to move into your apartment!"I held her, overcome with love for this wonderful woman who would soon be my wife. Finally, I said, "Dear love, I can't wait for that to happen!"We sat on the couch, holding each other for.
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