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I couldn’t even mess about with my phone, because this wasn’t my phone. It was a Samsung the size of a pavement tile and it didn’t have a single picture of Edwin on it. My own phone, which was God knows where right now, had hundreds. But this was Reginald Carstairs’ phone, with some pictures of his late wife Gertrude (Kelly’s mother in better days, which weren’t all that good even before the eating disorder: we picked her because she had no social media presence whatsoever and did actually look like the sort of woman Carstairs might have married) and a house in Somerset where I was supposed to have lived, near Shepton Mallet. There were pictures of a car, an olive green Jaguar, and some young children who were supposed to be his niece and nephews. All of this had been carefully curated. I had to memorise a file about Carstairs’ life, too. He was born on October 1st, 1977 in Bury St. Edmunds. That’s quite near Cambridge, but poor Reginald had attended an unremarkable district school. Do I have your word on it?" he asked.I promised to keep his secrets to myself and take them to my grave."I think I know what you mean about wanting to smoke like a woman," hesaid. "Back when I was a boy during my crossdressing years, I used topretend to smoke like my mother. Of course I never actually lit acigarette or smoked it for real, but I pretended I was. Do you thinkmaybe you were doing the same thing?" he asked.My heart raced as I tried to keep my brain from exploding. I did knowwhat my father was talking about and I told him so. From a generalperspective, I knew I wasn't alone in my feelings because I'd read aboutothers like me on the web. However, I never thought I'd meet someonelike me face to face and I certainly didn't expect that person to be myfather."So you never tried smoking?" I asked. "Not even with Mom?"Dad shook his head and said, "I couldn't because I didn't feel worthy."I gasped because I knew exactly what he was talking about. "Me too!" Isaid excitedly..
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