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"Sandra said she would be right there as she pulled on a pair of blues over her pink panties and stood scrubbing her hands in a rather sexy pink bra. As she dried her hands she seemed to notice me for the first time. "Hi Jackie, first time in here?" I nodded and she continued "Don't worry all you have to do is be a gofer. Mop our brows if we sweat under the lights and bring us water to drink now and then. Oh, and keep the drips primed with bloods and saline. Oh and if it goes on a bit you may have to take us to the loo so we don't have to scrub up again. Apart from that just do anything we ask. Call me Sandra in here please. The boss likes first names only." Yes I'm to call him Harry, that's so weird." I can imagine. Outside here it's Doctor Gunnall again OK?"When she was gowned, masked and gloved, I put on blues myself and followed her into the theatre area where a theatre nurse was already checking the instruments and the distinctive bald head of the man checking the equipment told. What was I - a guyor a girl? At the restaurant, everyone accepted me as a girl. And itwas fun, to be so accepted and liked. In my life I was never soaccepted, except by my folks, and Morgan and my buds. Not evenDanielle, at least not until recently.It was wonderful, until I was forced to focus on my current situation,and actually think about what all this meant. And last night really didmake me focus.I was desperately in love with Nikki, and I thought that she loved me,too. But after last night, maybe what she loved in me was me as a girl.In a way, it didn't really matter - so long as she loved me. But in away, it did. And as I thought of who and what I really was, of what Iwould be in the future, of having a family - it did matter .I felt lost.Much later, at just about dinnertime, the others returned. Mom knockedon my bedroom door and said they brought home some take-out Indianfood, and if I got hungry, I should just come down.Just before dinnertime, I went downstairs and asked Dad.
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