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I thought about guys a lot, but I kind of liked girls too, so I managed to hold myself over with them and convince myself I was really a straight guy plagued by uncalled-for thoughts, which I occasionally gave in to and let myself jerk off to, but definitely only by accident. In school, I just spread the rumors about what I’d glimpsed in the boys’ room like a good, cruel little teenager and bragged about all the girls I may or may not have banged. I took a long, deep drag and glanced at the sewer grate a few feet away from the wall. Those freaks, those -things-, were sometimes said to live down in the gutters (sometimes, it was said, they were actually allergic to sunlight, like vampires). All or almost all males, they were also rumored to be in the regular habit of screwing each other, and sometimes whatever other boys they could get their hands on. Maybe boys just like me. And somehow—I’ll blame it on the heat, the fog over my brain—that thought was starting to turn me on that day.. "Mommy, what's going to happen to me?" Rachel asked in a very small voice."That's a pretty open ended question, darling," I said. "What is going to happen with what?" What's going to happen to me in June, when Jeff goes off to college and leaves me alone?" she asked me.I knew that this was going to come up, but I also knew the answer. "What colleges have you applied to?" I asked."What?" she replied, confused."What colleges have you applied to?" I repeated.She rattled down the list of schools she had applied to."Which ones will you get into?" I asked."All of them," she said. It was true, Rachel was an excellent student. She could get into pretty much any school she wanted."Which one are you going to attend?" I asked."I'm not sure yet," she said evasively."I know you are not sure yet," I said. "But I know very well that there is a rule that you are going to apply in order to help you choose which college to attend. Now tell me what that rule is?"I felt Rachel tense when she realized.
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