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Presumably he has already made advances?’ ‘When he kissed me on our second date I had to stop his hand creeping under my skirt. But I did enjoy his kisses which felt they came from the heart.’ ‘Then go for it, remember if you reject him too much he will think that you don’t want him.’ ‘You think I should go further then, Janice?’ ‘Do I have to spell it out for you? If you get the hots for him -fuck him and I am sure you will reap the rewards like I have in knowing just how wholesome it can be with an older guy.’ That clinched it and I knew I was ready to go the whole hog with John. But come our next date he phoned to say he could not make it. When I asked him why he said he felt he was too old for me and perhaps I should look for someone younger.. For the first time in my life I found myself almost begging him to have second thoughts and lets give it another try and he eventually submitted, saying he wanted me to be quite sure. ‘You guys are all alike, of you can’t get your leg over’. I told Mom I wanted to sleep in my room, by myself. She looked disappointed, too, but kissed me and told me she loved me.How could she love me? How could any of them? I was such a fucking failure.They made me sit in one of the two dozen chairs beneath the awning. I know they did it because I was on crutches, but all I could think about was that I had a great view of the shiny metal casket and dark gaping hole in the ground behind it. Fuzz's parents wanted me to be a pallbearer, but because I was gimpy, I couldn't actually carry the casket. They had me listed on the funeral program as an honorary pallbearer, whatever that meant. I felt the burning hole in my heart get bigger as I watched Jeff and five other guys carrying the casket from the hearse to the grave. I wasn't carrying the casket because I didn't deserve to carry it, injury or not, and I could tell from the way people looked at me that they knew it.Jeff sat with Fuzz's family, with Jeff's parents and Fuzz's grandparents.
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