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We went to sit at a picnic table in front of the deli.“What’s up?” I asked.“All year, in chess club, it was pretty clear that you didn’t have a girlfriend. You also didn’t talk to many girls except me and Susan. At the dance, you were going through all the cute girls in the room, having a blast and otherwise being a different person. When they played Dancing Queen and I asked you what you were thinking. The way you said ‘Birgit’ plus the look in your eyes screamed ‘love’. But it didn’t look like love unfulfilled. It looked like love experienced. Something is going on with you this Summer.”“Jennifer, we’re friends. But it’s not something I really want to talk about. It wouldn’t be right.”She considered what I had said and countered “Ah. A gentleman. So you won’t talk about it. I get it. But with Birgit, there’s no reputation issue. She’s gone.”“That’s not true, actually. The whole ‘Swedish girls are easy’ reputation kind of kept her from dating more. She was being careful not to be. I don't hate you, and you don't disgust me. I thought you hated me, but now I'm not sure." I thought I did too. In fact, I'm sure I did. That's not even the worst part though. Touching you doesn't make me want to go get clean again. I guess I already suspected that, even before yesterday and today though. There has to be something really wrong with me to feel the way I do. You raped me, and I hated every second of it. Because of that, I couldn't even stand to think about having sex with anyone. Now I'm thinking about you like that. Today, I acted like some slutty person, rubbing my body like that against you. What am I going to do now, Gainey? I could barely stand to be like I was before you came back, so how will I ever live with feeling like this about you?" I don't know, Brenda. I've sort of had a similar problem ever since that time out at Kraemer Junction. Remember I told you about that dream I keep having? You asked me if it was a dream about you. It sort of is a dream about.
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