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?Hans!? I wept, ?please? please stop? I?m sorry? I?m so sorry Hans, will you forgive me?? I didn?t know what I was saying but I suddenly realized a monumental truth -- I wasn?t a dominant with him any more. I couldn?t ever be with Hans ever again. What I was really doing, from a deep need, was asking forgiveness for having been a hooker. I was ashamed of it. But even more ashamed that he didn?t know, and that I could never tell him. That this had to be my secret from him forever. That sordid realization shattered my usual equanimity -- destroyed my self confidence. I suddenly realized that I must get as far from my past as I could. And from my present. I must leave this sex business forever and live a decent life.?Hans, my darling Hans, I have just experienced an epiphany. While I was over your knees. I can?t explain it. But I can?t help it either. I must sell the business and buy a home in the south of France, as I mentioned earlier. It?s no longer an option for me. . Reviewingthe past, considering the future, and wondering about his current state.He concluded in this internal monologue that this was probably thedisembodied, pure thought state that most mystics strive for.It was while he was "awake" and reviewing thoughts about his family thatthe first perceived change happened. He was not married, and all thesocial ties he had in the world were his small family, parents andsiblings. It was the thought of them being hurt, which kept him fromcarrying out his depression driven thoughts of suicide. Hurting hisfamily was never an option. Although he relished the idea of how theywould be doomed at his job without his help, no one was capable ofperforming his job as he had.The change came gradually; he felt movement in his limbs. Not truemovement, but a slight variation of the pressure. While the pressurenever lessened to where he could retrieve some kind of overall sensationof his body, it increased randomly in what could be considered a.
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