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I know most girls don't get that. But I can't be your first," I said."Why?" Amanda said.I didn't have a chance to respond."Yeah. Why?" Jessica responded.I was blown away. They were looking at me, really expecting an answer and I didn't have one.Lying there, I realized, much to my shock, I wanted to do this. I really wanted to do this. I looked at Jessica, glanced at Amanda and I didn't say anything for a second.Amanda stared at me, and finally said, "I get it. I understand." She started to climb up off the bed.I reached over and, gently, grabbed her arm, pulling her back to me.I looked at Amanda and said, "I just don't want something really bad to come out of this. The consequences could be ugly. If the wrong person finds out. If something gets said. If someone suspects."Amanda just laughed.I stared at her. Jessica stared at her."What's so funny?" I asked.She just looked at me, and finally responded, "You have a shit marriage. No sex. Lousy relationship. What's the worst that could. He worried about the risk he would be taking, but he couldn’t square how his affection for Jillian, and what he would do to be with her, should undermine something that had allowed his family to have hope for him again. The plates and silverware started making their sounds of careless clatter as the diners let them fall, some still full of food, into grey plastic bins. Colin continued to dread getting caught and kicked out, and he considered telling Jillian not to come to his room. But when he saw her again, he knew not only that he couldn’t, but that he shouldn’t. ‘What,’ he asked himself, ‘could be better for me than some kind of love right now? If I can’t be with someone like her when the opportunity comes, what’s the point of sobriety? She’ll remind me of how good life can be, and that memory will help when I’m looking for a reason to stay clean when I’m back at home.’ Colin sat on his bed for over an hour before their scheduled meeting time. Come quarter to midnight, he decided.
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