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Yes,’ she said, more to herself than me, ‘I think I must have been working up to it.’ ‘Isn’t rationalisation,’ I said (but not aloud), ‘a wonderful thing?’ ‘And since Wednesday,’ she resumed, ‘I haven’t been able to think of anything else. I thought it would wear off but instead it just got stronger and stronger and by this morning it was a straight choice between calling you and going out of my mind.’ Well, I thought, that is as handy a girl’s-eye description as I could have hoped for of the effects of indirect exposure to FUCK. But I had to try to dampen her enthusiasm somehow. ‘Connie, it was unbelievable for me too, but we can’t turn our lives upside-down just for great sex.’ ‘Oh, but James, don’t say that!’ She looked distressed. ‘It’s not just the sex, it’s you. You’re the kindest, finest, loveliest man I could ever dream of. All I want is to help you and make you happy. I’d do anything for you, anything. Even if what you want me to do is … is …’ She was beginning to well up. Granted, both of them are wary coconspirators — Wendy very much so — but it’s good to know that, if Kathryn actually needs to talk to someone about us, there’s a person who could listen and advise without being shocked.Admittedly, learning about their relationship was surprising, but the more I think about it, the more it gives me confidence that things will be alright no matter how they end for us. She and Kathryn were able to remain friends even though they had to break off their romantic and sexual partnership. Maybe that’s something I can hope for as well ... with Kathryn and with Bill ... if our physical relationship comes to an end.I still wouldn’t say I’m entirely comfortable pretending to be Bill’s close friend while I’m secretly fucking his wife, but I’m surprised how easy our “bachelor night” was for me. The guilt never went away — if it ever does, I’ll have to reevaluate who I am as a person — but I feel like I can go back to acting normally around him. No matter what.
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