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"She'll tell you he weighs 450 pounds and likes to sit around the house without wearing a shirt!" He's a child-molester!" I suggested."Louise is his third wife -- and he never got around to divorcing the other two!" No, he's about to leave her -- for a guy!" I screamed."All right, all right, that's enough," Tad said. "Whatever Louise tells you tomorrow, it won't be as bad as any of those. Now let's relax and see what's on TV."Thursday at lunch, Louise had apparently had time to prepare her little spiel. "Please don't -- ahh -- be too judgmental about this," she said as a preamble. "It's not as bad as it might sound to you, at first." Spill it, Louise, the suspense is killing me." OK. Listen. Don. Don has a... a porn collection." You mean, like, dirty books?" Yeah, but I'm not talking Playboy, here Cathy. Don's got some really raunchy magazines." Hell, is that all? I mean, my brothers were like that. Even Tad has a couple of nudist magazines tucked away. That's just the way guys are.". The other worry for me is how the hell am I ever going to get out of this? CHAPTER 2 Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Wilbur Smith, a name that I inherited from both sides of my family, the Smith from my father, it was originally ‘Schmidt’ but had been Anglicized, and the Wilbur from my maternal grandfather, one Wilbur Wright. Now before you jump to conclusions, this Wilbur Wright had nothing to do with Kittyhawk and airplanes, and he didn’t have a brother named Orville and wouldn’t know a bicycle from a baseball bat. He and I were both the victims of our ancestors’ uncanny knack of giving their offspring the name of a famous person before that person became famous. Because my literary agent, Felix Weisman, (not his real name either but he thinks it makes him sound more important) decided that this name wouldn’t sell books, the fact that there is another author using that name might have caused a problem, I write under the name of Jason Feldham. I hasten to add that.
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