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You are forever waiting for the sun to disappear. You have no peace and nor do I, knowing your fears. You do have another life. A ‘normal’ life. You show me pictures of loved ones and events, you tell me boring normal stories as if I could somehow just absorb your normality and all would be well. You plead for more time as if it would make a difference but you are appealing to the wrong saviour. Who is the more deluded? I have no regrets and no reason to fight this inevitability. I have seen and felt more to this point than you ever will. I’ve loved, lost, hated, born a child and lost a child. It is Christopher’s death that has finally allowed me to see past your smoke and mirrors. Don’t look like that. I’m not depressed. Relieved. Happy even, if that’s at all possible. Fear of loss is so much harder to bear than the loss itself. I ache each day for him but it is nothing compared to the ache I felt when he was alive. Don’t cry and don’t pretend you too are not a little relieved. . Sensing that I was feeling a little normal, she gently offered, "We don'thave to go to school if you're not feeling well. My dad won't mind if Iskip a day."Oh god. School. Well, if I had to figure out what the hell was goingon, I guess I can't stay cooped up here all day. I shook my head."No... I'm... I'm okay now. I just need to get ready."She smiled and told me that she'd come back for me when she got readyherself, before leaving to likely head back to her own place. I couldhear her tell my Dad that I was fine before she and Mr. Bradford left ourhouse.I turned back to the vanity to take another clear look at myself again.Whatever this was, at least I could be grateful that I was a fairlyattractive young woman, my long hair complementing my features quitewell. Before I started to get turned on by myself again, the fact that Irealized that I looked like a younger, hotter version of my mom wasenough to kill my boner... or whatever it is I could get now. Still, Icouldn't deny.
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