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It was that mixture of guilt for knowing that I should consider myself lucky but the inability to do so, and the feeling of helplessness from the knowledge that it meant that nothing could change how I felt, and that if I would wish for death in a comfortable life, then I would wish for death no matter what. But now, I just don’t care. I don’t need to care. I may not have suffered as much as people in Africa or other hellholes like that, but… at least they are capable of feeling happiness. Compared to them, I’m broken, and these tumors are the proof. I have felt the bite of a blade to try and cancel out my inner pain with outer pain. I have felt my sanity ripped away by years of sadness. Depression is more than sadness. It is the inability to feel joy. It’s a missing foundation, like a building with a sinkhole where its fourth cornerstone should be. No matter what you use to try and support the building, it’ll fall away, and the building can never stand, until it too crumbles and. Why did I never ask her out? If my feelings weren't reciprocated then Imight have lost a valuable friendship."My sister looked a bit hurt and I hurried on, "I know you know me welland you always support me but you are my sister and that bit older. Youhave your own friends and it wouldn't be right for me to go out withthem."My sister nodded her understanding. She comforted me for a few moreminutes with her words and I left for my own bed. Sleep still didn'tcome easy but eventually I drifted off into a troubled sleep.The next day Mum was concerned if I should go to school. "You don't looklike you have had much sleep. You have black rings under your eyes andlook like you haven't slept well for the last few nights." I'm fine Mum. School keeps my mind on other issues. Last night wasabout the news of Erika and Anna moving. First Dad and now my bestfriends are leaving for Milton Keynes. Do you think there's some strangeattraction to the concrete cows?"Beth stifled a giggle at my cheeky.
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