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"If you're a good girl," she began, emphasizing the words 'good girl' with a purposeful focus, "then I'll let you eat my pussy later."Her words hung in the air between us like an accusation, my short term fate detailed in that single sentence and left for my inspection. My instincts told me to stand and run, to leave the office and the building and the whole awful job. I considered pleading with her, telling her that I wasn't a lesbian, that I didn't do those kinds of things, that she had the wrong girl. But I said nothing. Deep down, I knew that such protestations would be futile at best and dishonest at worst. Instead, my eyes dropped below her desk once more and fixated on the slowly swinging shoe that hung from her foot; the curve of her arch, the perplexing softness of her sole flashing into view as her foot dipped slowly up and down.I felt my body moving, my vantage point shifting until it felt external and remote, becoming a casual observer of my own sordid submission. I. During the darkest times, the only thing that kept me from killing myself was my son. He didn't know then, nor does he know now (I think) that he kept me going. How could I deprive him of a mother, and in the most painful way imaginable? I couldn't, so just by being he kept me alive.An inevitable part of my coming out process was telling the people who needed to know. My "need to know" list was very small: My ex-husband, my parents, a few very close friends, and my son. My ex proved to be surprisingly easy. It was almost a relief for both of us. It freed us from an empty, sterile relationship that was doomed from the start. I felt tremendous guilt that I'd cost him perhaps the best years of his life, depriving him of all the things a spouse has every right to expect from a marriage. We ended up parting on excellent terms, and we remain very good friends to this day.That left Josh. Whether my feelings and fears were rational is irrelevant. They were the fears and feelings I was.
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