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As I said in the Night of Hell post I no longer believe much of anything religiously. I had a conversation with a friend that turned me on my ear. As I had stated in NOH I was extremely enraged at the Christian god for ignoring me. When I say enraged I mean the Hulk on a rampage would be considered slightly ticked in comparison. My friend who has walked through this entire mess with me said to me: “I know why God’s ignoring you.”Me:”Why, other than the fact I’m an asshole?”Friend: “You killed God. You’ve spent your entire life searching for wisdom. You’ve studied religion, magick, psychology, all of it. You killed your belief in god long before you ever got sick. When you faced that darkness you knew you were the only one there and that you couldn’t answer your own prayer.”Me: “Wait a minute, You’re saying I’m mad at myself?”Friend: “Yes.”I felt the truth of his words and it was like he had run me through with a sword. I was speechless. It took me a couple of days to process what he. Kahi velane ti bolali ki maza pay khup dukhtoy, kal farshivar ghasrun padle, tar mi bolalo ki mag hospital la ka nahi gelat tar ti mhanali gele hote doctor ne malish karayla sangitlay pan swathachya hatane malish karta yet nahi aani he (ticha navara) thet shanivari yenar aahet. Mag mi bolalo ki mi devu ka karun malish, ti mhanali mag tar khup bara hoil pan bolu nkos kunala karan lok veglach sanshay ghetat.Mi mhanalo thik aahe nahi bolnar, chala mi tumhala malish karun deto, mag aamhi bedroom madye gelo, ti bed var zopli aani gudhagyaparyant sadi var keli ani me tel lavun ticha pay cholu laglo, tila vicharla ki kuthe laglay tar ti mhanali ki gudaghyachya var mandila laglar, mag me mhanalo ki var laglay tar sadi ajun var kara na, to mhanali ki nahi mala laj wataey. Mi tila sangitala ki tumhi dole mitun gupchup zopa, mag me hatane tichi sadi mandichya thodi var sarkavli aani cholu laglo, ti dole mitun shant padli hoti, halu halu mi hat thoda var nevun tichya pantyparyat cholu laglo,.
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