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I was alone and lonely and my sadness wrapped brittle fingers across my mind. The blank screen across the room mocked me. No words from anyone in days. Nothing but silence brought about by my own weaknesses. My deepest fear was realized time and again…no one wanted me, for any amount of time. I always fucked up and they always walked away. There was an empty bottle of wine that lay shattered against the locked door. I didn’t know why I had locked it. No one would be coming to see me, to save me. This was my own personal hell, created for and by me. This is where I would live, the monstrosity of pain that I had built on trying to be what no one really wanted. I had not eaten for days. The hunger pangs had stopped long ago. I was starving, but on many levels which had nothing to do with food. The starvation sank deep into my bones and it would no doubt be what killed me. A loud clap of thunder shook the walls and sound reverberated inside my little room. It had been raining non-stop,. The question was exactly how to take the plunge into advocacy. When I was first openly approached, I decided I needed time with my own adviser and my guru, Sean and Sheila.I contacted the law firm, asking for permission to talk to my family in New Jersey. There was no non-disclosure agreement, but manners are important. As long as it stayed in New Jersey, they were willing. The trip down was a trial. A late winter storm had left mud and slush everywhere. I took the Toyota and vowed to get a decent second car before I came back. Beacon House could have the beater.I was so glad to turn into the gate, I almost did not notice the lights lining the drive. At the wedding, we had purchased dozens of battery-powered LED lights, in several colors. A paper bag and some sand turned the lights into luminaries. I think Sheila must have liked the idea because little lights were everywhere.Sean met me at the garage, which meant Sheila was reluctant to bring the baby. That was cool. Protectiveness.
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