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When Arpi looked questioningly at me I looked sternly at her and egged her on to take her glass, hinting at her not to protest. For a few seconds there was an awkward silence broken by Ali, who said, “That was nice of you Prateek to invite me over. I appreciate it.” I muttered something that sounded like “No problem. You are always welcome.” I doubted if Ali heard it though. I had to regain self assurance, if I was to enjoy the evening. I got up from my sofa, raised my glass and said, “Cheers.” As we began sipping the wine, I added, “And welcome to my wife’s boy friend.” As Ali raised his glass and was taking the first sip, he coughed out hearing my words. A few drops of wine splattered around as he looked at me thoroughly embarrassed, not knowing how to react. He quickly apologized for coughing up and moved to clean his shirt. To sooth him and make him feel comfortable (as well as to re-establish my grip over the situation), I stood up and patted on his back and said, “Well, Arpi. Be assured that this is just a brief forray into the world of Medical Science. Vaginas are, of course, nectar oozing flowers of femininity to be worshipped, adored, ravaged, and abused. Their primary purpose remains that of cum receptacle. 'Performance' and 'review' are two words that definitely have no reason to be snuggling up together to create a phrase, and certainly not a phrase that involves Janine from Personnel with her A-line skirt, Marks and Spencer polyester blouse, badly cut hair and a pair of spectacles she's stolen from an owl. So quite why I had to waste ninety minutes of my life trapped in a small glass office with her as she shuffled bits of A4 paper and wittered on about who knows what is quite beyond me. The upshot of it all was no pay rise and some of those crappy bits of A4 covered in her childish, nonsense, scribbles for me to take home and cherish. And what nonsense it was. Let me give you some of her greatest hits: 'Lacks empathy', whatever the fuck that.
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