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. my heart was pounding.. she wanted me to be a plumber for her again. I could hardly wait for the next day to come around but finally was able to head over to her apartment to get started . Again she greeted me at the door wearing only a robe that she must have just thrown on as she was still trying to get it tied. She led me to the bathroom and examined a the earring and showed me the matching one so I would know what to look for. I had a pretty good idea that I was going to be looking for something else. I got started on the sink and she left me to it and to my delight there was the pile of lingerie and pantyhose under the sink. My hands were trembling as I picked up a pair of the pantyhose and held them up to my nose. There were several different pairs so I quickly stuffed them into my pocket and got back to work on the sink. It really was a simple job and I had the sink apart and found the earring in no time. I called the Tennant in to the bathroom to show her still sitting on. And most of the time, I didn't particularly care one way or another. That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be.
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