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It was reallycool, all angry ranting and stuff, but as intelligent as I'dhoped this type of thing would be.I kept having trouble keeping up the conversation with her. Idon't know, probably because she was so fly and sophisticated, Ikept wanting to say funny, witty things, but every time I came upwith one, I nixed it before I could say it. I mean, why would agirl like that find a Gilligan's Island joke funny? Or like, areference to some dumb band on pop radio - would she be allelitist about it, or would she be beyond elitism, to not caringat all, or ... what? I didn't know what to do with her, but sheseemed to like me, and covered for my inability tocommunicate. Either way, not wanting to be an asshole likeyesterday, I asked her to sit with John, Foul and me invideo. She did, and John and Foul didn't really embarrass me,even though I kind of expected them to.I fade out, back up again. I remember this time at John's house,playing this game which was basically Dungeons and Dragons,. That's what Al didn't know and I needed to tell him that.I also needed to tell him that he wasn't at fault. Yes, he made some mistakes and he did some things that hurt our marriage, but he never deserted our marriage or me. He never turned to another for relief and comfort. I was the one that did that. He needed to know that. I was the one that forgot the promises I made to stay during hard times. Al never left me even though he was in a major depression. He was always home with me. He never asked more of me than I was willing to give, but when he needed me the most, I wasn't there.Finally, he needed to know that I never held him responsible for what I did. I didn't blame him nor did I use him as an excuse. I found myself trying to please Woody just as I used to please Al. I loved pleasing Al and I had the greatest joy in making love by making my husband happy. I enjoyed sex, but I enjoyed the pleasure I gave more. That's what I was doing with Woody: trying to regain that joy in.
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