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I hadresolved the situation in my heart and head - and focused on getting mykicks sexually and, to be honest, getting as much materially out of itas I could. We were leaches on one another. He tried to wring everylast drop of sexual decadence as he could out of me and I let him keepoiling my erotic machine with clothes and money and drugs. Tit for tat.My tits for his pleasure, his money for mine. These were some of themost fruitful months for both in my life.It's fucked up reading this stuff to be honest, because I can feel myconfusion and my anger. I can feel the drugs too. Coke makes the highsand lows incredibly sharp and leaves the middle squishy. The middle isbland. The good times are amazing - you're a Perfect 10 model - and thelows are the deepest trench - you're a worthless whore. And sometimes,like in this next entry, I felt like both.Diary Entry: April 2009Men fawn. I own them. My hair is a sexy dark cherry, my brown eyeslike a doe. I can bat my long eyelashes. They talked about taking a graduation trip together, and I offered to help them, but they decided collectively they’d rather celebrate here because they didn’t want to leave me alone.Six years ago, my wife Rowan died. It was completely unexpected, and completely unnecessary. She had some hereditary issues with her arteries and got involved with a clinical trial for a new wonder drug; it liquified her liver. It . . . there are no words to describe my grief. I’m good at words and emotional processes; I’m a family therapist, the senior partner in a highly-respected practice. I still don’t have any words for that. Rowan was my emotional foundation, and just like that, she was gone.If it hadn’t been for Lily, I think I would have folded. I couldn’t, because I couldn’t do that to her. I had to keep going for her sake, and so I did—one foot in front of the other, one damned thing after another. I took a leave of absence from my practice and did everything I could to protect the two of us so.
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