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' Jonathan was only 'strong, stable and solid... ' You make Jonathan sound more like a chair or perhaps a good carpet." No" Susan stretched out the word this time, giving it a you-don't-understand inflection. "Jonathan just didn't respond to me the way Rich did. Honestly, he wasn't doing much of anything..." If I remember correctly, he didn't do much more than fish every now and then, sit in front of the TV and drink beer. He'd given up most of his friends... became dull, right?"Susan cocked her head, trying to figure out what the tone Laura used had meant. "Yes, that's true. He's put on some weight too, and he just didn't seem interesting; he didn't talk to me. He didn't want to know how I was feeling." I don't suppose working sixty hours a week, fifty-one weeks a year so you could have that half-million dollar house might have had much to do with that? Never mind. What were you doing to find out what was going on in his life? To take care of him? I think he carried his lunch to work. He stammered and stalled, and I had to prod him along. The hardest thing I had to do that day was make him stroke himself in my full view while I watched how he did it, and then after a few minutes of that, make him put his hands over mine and direct what I was doing. I had been afraid of hurting him, but he had actually needed me to hold him more firmly. Once I did that, I imitated his strokes as best I could, and I could tell he liked it. But I wanted to make him say it. After all of his protests…I just wanted more than anything for him to tell me he liked it and to ask me to not stop. The same thing I told him all of the time. Every time he had pushed me away, every time he said “later” was like a rejection. I knew it wasn’t, but that’s how it felt in my heart. I needed him to say it, needed to hear the words. I asked him if he liked it, and after a long pause, he would only say, “Oh, Autumn…” For whatever reason, he didn’t want to give me what I needed, so I decided.
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