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Carol sent me Brian’s email, the one he had his solicitors sent to you that you discovered after leaving hospital.”“Sorry for your loss, Gina. I didn’t know about our daughter Alexandria. Carol explained Mark’s garbled email to me. We had lost contact for years, so he’d had it sent to my Regiment; they printed it out and put it in with my Get Well cards. Carol thought I shouldn’t see the email until I was released from rehab and mobile on my new legs.”“Carol said that she’d recognised you at hospital after your Afghanistan repatriation last year, and that you were bearing my Brian’s name.”“My name, not Mark’s, er ‘Your Brian’s’. I didn’t recognise Carol at the hospital from all those years ago, even after we became lovers, being a doctor.”“Please don’t tell Alex that you’re her real father yet, Brian’ll always be remembered by her as her wonderful ‘Dad’.”“Okay, no, of course I won’t. Can I be her ‘Uncle Ray’ instead?” I asked.“Sure,” Gina smiled, her red eyes wet, “Why ‘Ray’?”“Too. It's a nice feeling to have and it is an amazing thing to see, inspiring even, but I often worry that I am hurting her in the same way that he hurt me.I try to eradicate him from my thoughts, I really do, but it is not easy and I feel like a terrible, inadequate person because I have not found the strength to accomplish it. Especially as it complicates certain aspects of my relationship with Darci, like sex, for example. There have been times where it is not her I think of and it is not her name that I wish to call out. This has caused me to become more careful during our love making, and I have grown increasingly anxious when all I desperately want to do is let go and enjoy myself. I keep going back and forth with the thinking that I should let him go somehow and give my all to Darci. It is what she deserves given everything that she has done for me, after all. But in truth, I do not want to. I want to have him in my life, even if it is in small patches now. I still can not find a.
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